Ungrateful...

Before I start I'm going to warn all you readers that this is a LONG post! Ok you have been warned!

Why is it that no matter how much the Lord has blessed me with that I have such moments of ungratefulness? Usually it doesn't last long because I end up feeling so horrible at how unthankful I am acting. I remind myself of one of those spoiled rotten kids in Walmart that drive me crazy! Regardless of all that, today is one of those days. Seems like I have been having a lot of them lately. I'm not sure if it has to do with all the people around me that are cradling newborns or waiting to welcome their new little bundle, but I'm definitely left struggling.

Lets back up a bit...

Before even welcoming Marissa into the world, Doug and I discussed how many kids we wanted. We were stuck between 2 and 3 but leaned more towards 3. We left it open for more discussion later. I, of course, played the whole scenario out in my mind...

We would be married and own our own place. I would find the perfect way to surprise Doug and tell him that he would be a Daddy and then together we would play how to spread the news. We would pick out nursery color and decor...making sure everything was just right. Baby would arrive 1 week or so before my due date and labor would be natural and perfect. My family and Doug's family would be waiting to welcome the new bundle and after a short time we would head for home to start our new lives as a family of 3. I would breastfeed and be the stay at home mom that I hoped to become....

However, that is not necessarily how things went down. Doug and I were not walking in the way of the Lord and messed around before the day we walked down the aisle. Before either of us were willing to admit it, we were 3 months along and finding ourselves seeking the guidance of a Christian pregnancy center. They kept in close contact with us throughout the pregnancy, making sure that the future grandparents found out and that we were ok. On January 8th, 2005, Doug and I were joined in marriage during a small and quiet ceremony. It was perfect for us. We moved to Ithaca in order for Doug to finish his BA degree through Cornell University and I got a job at Subway to help out. We found a small church that very quickly became like a family to us. A little shy of 4 weeks before my due date, Marissa arrived. It was May 4th, 2005 and she was 6lbs 15oz and 19 1/2 inches long. She was perfect, labor was fast and easy and I accomplished my goal of an all natural labor via the whirlpool tub. It was awesome.

(Right after birth)

(Getting ready to go home)

(The cousins checking her out a couple days after we were home)

(Daddy sleeping with Marissa at 1 month old)

Everything kind of went as planned from there. After a little bit of a tough beginning at breastfeeding, we conquered it and feeding became a breeze. The three of us moved to Doug's hometown when Marissa was 1 month old and we began a more "normal" life outside of college. The two of us grew in the Lord and together as a married couple. We were bound and determined to do the best we could for Marissa despite our "rough" beginning. When Marissa was a year old, we...eh...I, started talking about adding another little one. Doug had a tough time at first comprehending loving another child as much as we did Marissa. He decided to let the Lord have His perfect timing, not that He wouldn't anyhow, but you get where I am coming from. We stopped using Natural Family Planning and just let it happen when it was suppose to. One night Doug's pager went off and he ran out the door. He came back home around 11 at night in tears...that might be an understatement. He told me that he changed his mind and definitely did not want to add another member to our family. He went on to explain that they had taken a lady who had pre-eclampsia to the hospital who was 36 weeks pregnant and they almost lost her and the baby. Two weeks later, we found out we were expecting. This pregnancy proved to be entirely different than my first. I was sick, puking sick, for the first 4 months. I could keep liquids down thankfully but that was it. It was awful! I couldn't move off the couch and Doug ended up doing most of the house work and standing in as sole parent for a bit. At the four month mark, I started feeling better.

At 33 weeks, I woke up feeling different. I just felt all around miserable. I had an OB appointment that day and things went down hill fast. I arrived and my blood pressure was pretty high. They couldn't bring it down and decided to send me to the hospital for a non stress test on the baby. They warned me that they were pretty sure I had pre eclampsia. I called Doug on my way and told him I would update him as soon as I knew something. They did my test and informed me that I was in labor...having about 4 contraction in a half hour. They sent me home with a urine test to do overnight that would let them know for sure what was going on. I never made it that far. I was sent home on strict bed rest. Around 11pm, we called Doug's mom to come and stay with Marissa and headed back in. I was having contractions every 5 minutes, lasting for 5 minutes. Talk about fun! My doctor and I had a 2 week difference on the due date. She had me at 35 weeks and I had myself at 33 weeks. The NICU later informed us that she was definitely a 33 weeker. Long story short, my water broke and there was no stopping our little impatient baby. She arrived May 19th weighing in at 5 lbs 13oz and 19 inches. Within an hour she was on her way to Crouse hospital in Syracuse to spend some time in the NICU. She left us under an oxygen tent. I checked myself out 5 hours after giving birth and went home to pack and head to Syracuse for an unknown length of time. We stayed with Doug's brother and sister in law and their 2 kids. Sunday morning we got a phone call from the NICU letting us know that Madalyn was having trouble breathing early in the morning and they had intubated her. I lost it. My emotions were done at that point in time. I felt so empty not having my baby to hold. We went to see her that morning. She looked a lot more comfortable than when she had left LCGH. We talked with the staff a bit who had gotten my records by that time. They explained that in the last 2 weeks I had gained a pretty substantial amount of weight. During that time, unknown to us, Madalyn's supply line was closing. Because God designed women's body so awesome, my body started packing on the weight in order to allow her to real pack on the growth. Also due to the fact that I was in heavy labor for 3 days, my body was giving off hormones that were vital to her health. Pretty cool huh!

(Mommy and Madalyn at 3 days old)

After spending 4 days on the vent, 1 day on nasal cannula, and a total of 7 days in the NICU, we were on our way out the door. She came home weighing in just over 4 pounds.

(Dressed and ready to go home)

We were very relieved to be done with this whole thing. Having Madalyn at home was much different then when we brought Marissa home. Nursing was a challenge. Being a preemie, she lacked the stamina to stay awake long enough to get the amount she needed. For the first couple weeks, she would wake and nurse and then fall back asleep and wake up 45 minutes later. Its really rough to be able to function on that. When I went in for my 6 week checkup, my doctor discussed delivery with me. She explained that they don't really know a lot as far as what went wrong. She did say that she knows my placenta was really thick which shows signs of infection. She said I definitely had pre eclampsia. She said that she couldn't make up our minds for us, but she could say that since they have no explanation and each of my babies have come earlier than the last, she would highly recommend that we considered the idea of calling it quits. We prayed about it and talked a lot. We came to the agreement that two was enough. It wasn't worth "risking" one more. For us, we just couldn't do it again. We had a lot to be thankful for...

I felt at peace with our decision. For about 2 years. Now I really struggle. I feel like I was robbed. I feel like its not fair that I didn't get the natural birth the second time around, I feel like its not fair that I couldn't have my beginning moments with my baby. I feel like I lost complete control of my whole life. I feel like I was forced into giving up my "right" to have more kids. Lately I have gotten better with a lot of these feelings. I now get that this is the Lord's plan for my life. That we made the decision that we felt was best for our family. I get that the whole situation grew our family together and taught us a valuable lesson. I learned to not take advantage of the little things. I learned that there are many people that have it much worse out there. I learned that there is good that comes out of every situation. And I don't know, maybe every woman feels the "draw" to another baby even when they are sure they are done. Maybe even if I had 3 kids and called it quits without any push, that I would feel this way a couple years later. That concept usually puts my mind to rest. However, I'm still left with feeling like a shmuck because God is sooo good to us, and yet I'm always left wanting more! How is that even possible? I should be so unbelievably at peace and 100% happy and content. All I can say is "Lord, please forgive my ungratefulness"....